Ashamed
by LitaE
Summary: Dr Cox sits on his couch drinking and dealing with the death of JD, remembering their last night together. ONE SHOT. JDOX Slash.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Scrubs or anything/anyone associated with the show.

* * *

Another scotch slid down the throat of Perry Cox. Then another and soon after that another. Though no matter how much he drank, it didn't make a difference. That night still played over in his mind. Every word spoken and every motion. It had been nearly a week since that night, but his presence still lingered there.

A week since that night. A week since their fight. A week since JD had died.

Perry had thrown up when he heard the news. Despite having a gag reflex so non existent that he could basically drink acid without flinching, the amazing Dr Perry Cox had thrown up all over his bathroom. He had shifted the blame on Jack, but he knew Jordan wasn't that stupid.

The hospital had been overcome with a vibe so depressing that everyone drifted around silently. People went about their business not talking to each other and dealing with it in their own ways. There hadn't been so much angst in the air since the death of Laverne. They had put up a picture in his memory but it wasn't the same because it wasn't real. JD would never grace the halls of Sacred Heart with his real smiling face.

They all assumed he was depressed over it just like everyone else. The truth was Perry's anger and despair went so much deeper. Nobody, not even Jordan, could see how screwed up he really was. It was because he had never admitted it to them. Even if deep down they thought they knew, it was never more than a passing thought. He made sure the truth stayed hidden.

The truth was that he loved JD. Not in the way that JD loved everyone and saw the good in people. Not in the mentor/mentee or father/son way everyone thought. Not even in that "they are too close for their own good they may even run off to Aspen together" friendship way that JD and Turk had shared. No, it was much more than that. It was a love that made Perry want to hold JD and never let go. A love that made everything else in the world seem so insignificant. The type of love that had made him contemplate leaving Jordan and the kids. Such a strong love, really too strong.

He wondered deep down if Jordan knew. They knew each other so well that he figured she probably did. It was the little things that tipped him off. The birth of Jennifer Dylan, who she would call JD on many occasions. The suggestion that Dorian be her godfather because "deep down she knew he really cared for him." Then there was the insistence that no kissing ever took place during sex because when he kissed her anyway, he would used the break in eye contact to think of JD and imagine that he had the stones to be happy.

For years his feelings for JD had scared him. He had managed to block them out and push JD away. Keeping JD at a safe distance was a full time job. The effort was wasted though because he had broken the barriers that would put the Great Wall of China to shame. JD had broken in and Perry was unable to handle that.

That is why in his eyes JD's death was all his fault.

* * *

That day had seen the farewell party for Dr Bob Kelso going off in the cafeteria. Nearly everyone from the hospital was there, mostly to check that it wasn't a dream and that the most hated man at Sacred Heart was actually leaving. The only one missing was Perry Cox, who was on the roof contemplating the next course of action.

He was soon joined by the one person he didn't want to see at that moment. Dr John Dorian himself had followed Perry up onto the roof. Cox let out a frustrated grunt, crossing his arms in defence.

"We need to talk." JD came closer and closer until Perry motioned for him to stop.

"No-ho. We do not." Perry folded his arms again. "You really screwed up newbie."

JD took a deep breath and walked over to Perry anyway. "I think you're the one that's screwing up. I can't help how I feel."

"But you can help by not expressing it." Perry turned to him with wide eyes, preparing for another rant. "You see what your tiny brain may not understand is that everyone deals with the crap that life throws at them. Some cry, some get angry, some drink and others just end it all because they just can't deal. You surely don't say everything you think because god knows how many times I've had to stand and watch you make that stupid face and go off in your mind. So why, dear god did you have to say…well, THAT."

"Because, I love you." JD answered, softly reaching out and touching Perry's bare arm.

"No. You don't." Perry pulled away, trying to walk away.

"I know you feel the same." JD called out to the back of Perry's head. "I felt it when you kissed me."

Angry and trying desperately to build up the walls, Perry turned back to JD. He grabbed the front of the younger man's scrubs roughly. "Listen here. It was one kiss that happened in the moment of drunk stupidity. If word of this gets out it will wreck everything. I will never see my kids again, do you understand. So don't even think-"

He couldn't continue, as a gutsy JD had closed the small gap between them and their lips were touching. JD continued kissing Perry, hoping that it would be reciprocated. In encouragement and in passion, JD slid his arms around Perry and pulled him closer. Finally after no objections, but having nothing returned JD stopped.

"JD…I can't." Perry muttered as he met those big blue eyes. "I'm sorry." He tried to slip away, but JD just kept holding him. Perry knew he could easily shove him off but he didn't want to hurt JD more than he hurt himself.

JD grabbed one of Perry's hands, placing it over his heart. "You know if there is one thing I've learned from all my screwed up relationships it's that when you have something this good, you should hold on to it. You're the one person I've spent this long with and never wanted to let go."

"Stop it, just stop it." Perry broke free from JD's grasp, unable to hear anymore.

JD, with surprising strength, pulled him back. "I love you, Perry."

"NO!" Perry shouted, raising a hand as if to thump JD, but just turning away once again.

JD stepped in Perry's path, managing to capture his mentor's lips again. His hands rested on Perry's waist before sliding all the way around. Perry finally returned the affection and the kiss. He grabbed the back of JD's head, feeling the hair run through his fingers. He forced JD's mouth open so their tongues greeted each other. Their hands explored each other's bodies, while their lips and tongues discovered the other's mouth.

"I love you, JD." Perry looked into his eyes after breaking from their kiss. "You drive me crazy and you just manipulated me but dammit, I love you." He guided JD's head to his chest, stroking the younger doctor's hair and inhaling his scent. Perry loved just being in the moment, holding JD.

"We're going to have to tell them." JD motioned towards the door leading downstairs. "I can't keep this in any longer."

Perry put a finger to JD's lips. "Just a little longer, okay? Can you do that for me?"

"I would do anything for you." JD replied, before surrendering into another kiss with the man he loved.

* * *

Later that night, JD decided to head over to Perry's house. He knew for a fact that Jordan was out of town visiting her ill mother and that Perry would rather "crap a litter of saint bernard puppies while watchin a Hugh Jackman marathon" than go with her. Nervous but excited, he knocked on the door.

"Hey there, I thought I'd keep you company." JD kissed Perry the moment he opened the door.

Perry pulled him inside, leading him over to the couch. "Make yourself at home."

JD grinned his usual happy smile. Perry shook his head, unable to decide whether he should take him down a peg or kiss him for being so darn cute. "You don't drink scotch and I have no idea how to make those girly drinks you down so is beer okay."

"Beer is fine." JD kept grinning, almost bouncing up and down on the couch.

For awhile the two sat there and drank. No words, just simple hand holding. A few kisses passed their lips every once in awhile. Both of them wanted to go further, but was afraid to ask the other.

"So…" JD put down his beer and jumped into Perry's lap, hugging him tight. "Mmmm you feel so warm."

"JD come on, at least act a little manly." Perry playfully tickled JD, watching him giggle and squirm but knowing he loved it.

JD leaned in. "I love kissing you." Following that statement was a make out session that lasted the good part of an hour.

The couple pulled back from each other, keeping eye contact. Stroking each other, both with smiles on their faces. For a few minutes they held each other, simply enjoying the company. Then JD couldn't resist anymore. He snuggled closer to Perry and moved his hand slowly downwards. He reached the waist of Perry's jeans, tracing the skin above the fabric before undoing the zipper slowly.

"Geeez, could you undo that fly any slower." Perry grabbed JD's hand, jamming it into his boxers, not letting go until he felt JD's soft hand on his stiff member.

JD grabbed Perry's hand and guided him to his own stiff penis. He found it erotic that the two would share a simultaneous hand job. Both moved their hands strategically, jerking off the other. They gasped and moaned in passion as both of them were being pleasured at the same time. Then the two climaxed in unison. It was almost as though their bodies were telling them they were meant to be.

"Wow." JD whispered into the air, his eyes closed as he savoured the moment.

Perry smiled at JD, pulling him into his arms. "Come on there. Just wait until I get my hands on you later."

JD giggled at the thought, preparing to kiss Perry again. However, the moment was halted when the door opened. Just before Jordan stepped into the living room, announcing her early arrival home from her "boring and overbearing mother's" Perry had pushed JD away. The two of them sat on the couch, looking as though nothing had been exchanged between them. Certainly not looking like lovers.

"I'm going to take a shower now." Jordan left the room as quickly as she had entered.

The moment the bathroom door closed, JD turned to Perry. "Are you ashamed of me?"

"Listen JD, I have a heck of a lot more to lose than you do so why don't you just be a good girl and wait like I asked you too."

JD's face fell and tears came into his eyes. "You're not planning to tell her, are you?" Looking into Perry's eyes, JD knew the answer. He felt sick at the thought that all he was to Perry was a back door boink.

"What the heck did you expect? That I would just up and leave my ex-wife and kids." Perry grabbed JD's arm, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "I love you but if you think it's just going to work out that easily then you're crazy."

JD was about to rebut, but he couldn't find the words. He stood up and waited a few seconds for Perry to stop him. Unopposed, he walked towards the door. Before he turned the handle, he found a few words to say. "You love me, so it should be a simple enough decision."

"You know what JD, it's not simple." Perry snapped. "You think about yourself and your little girly feelings. Just keep doing that. See the adults have other stuff to deal with besides the fact that you are so damn needy it's ridiculous. Sometimes I wish you never came into my life, really. All you did is complicate things."

JD felt a tear slide down his cheek. "If that's what you want, I'll be out of your life. You'll never see me except for the hospital."

Perry didn't mean the next words he said, but in his angry state he blurted them out anyway. "Even the hospital is too much for me. Get the heck out of my place. Sometimes, I wish you were completely out of my life."

Watching JD leave pained Perry more than anything. To forget the events he downed a few drinks. He promised himself he would make it up to JD at the hospital tomorrow. Make sure that he explained his situation better. Tell him that he meant none of the words he said and that JD was more than welcome in his life. He would reassure JD that their love was real and that everything was going to be okay.

Little did he know that as he drank his scotch, a half drunk and fully depressed JD was walking home. He walked the few blocks towards his apartment, tears in his eyes. Just as he was nearly home free, a drunk and speeding driver caused JD to never make it home that night. JD never made it to the hospital the next day, well at least not for duty. He would never hear his mentor, his friend and his lover tell him that he was everything. Never to realise that even in his last moments of loneliness he was more loved than he could imagine.

* * *

As Perry sat on his couch he looked at the picture of JD. He had stolen it from the wall of the hospital. As far as he was concerned, he was entitled to it. He took in every tiny little detail of the picture, smiling as he pretended for a brief moment that it was really JD staring back at him.

As he remembered their kisses and their brief but powerful moments of love, he raised his glass of scotch. "I love you JD." He whispered to the empty room.

Whether it was his crazy mind playing tricks on him, or if his newbie was really watching over him he didn't know. He wiped the tears off his cheek as he listened to the soft noise that seemed to come from the spot on the couch right beside him. He felt warmth on his hand and the air appeared to whisper to him.

"I love you too."

* * *

**NOTE:** Okay so I jumped on a bandwagon for a story. Hope you liked my attempt at a JDOX. I know there are heaps on this site. If you want more JDOX stuff from me, tell me. I may or may not write another. I do have other Scrubs fanfics coming soon so you can watch out for those. Anyways, glad you read my story :-)


End file.
